The personality test that made me the office outcast

The personality test that made me the office outcast

The issue with "we are family" work cultures.

Sean Kernan

Oct 09, 2026

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It was our first quarterly meeting and our CEO stood at the front of the room like a seasoned politician.

He had slicked back grey hair and a perfectly fitted suit and a pearly white smile that signaled he was about to deliver good news.

He said, “As you know, here at this company, we are family.”

This made me wince because I’d heard this line before—and it always came with strings attached. At one company, “family” was literal, with all the CEO’s kids occupying senior roles despite being less competent than half our staff. In another, it meant loyalty without limits—except when it became inconvenient for the company.

Our CEO went on this long spiel only to announce we would continue getting our 401K match despite a recent downturn in the industry. The fact that he even needed to announce this struck me as problematic. Within a year, the layoffs began.

Work long enough in corporate, and you’ll inevitably hear this family talk (or interviewers saying, “We do things differently here.”) Here’s why you should steer clear.

Where The Analogy Works

I sometimes felt like I was living with my coworkers. Every day, I came in shortly after dawn, and got home at dark, had a little time to myself, before passing out and starting again.

It felt like every waking moment was spent near these coworkers.

Perhaps it is

unsurprising that 60% of people

have experienced a workplace romance (and sadly, many of those people were already married when it started).

If there’s anything I miss about corporate life, it’s that camaraderie we developed that helped us weather the storm, the shared celebrations, and commiserating over new policies or initiatives. It was so cathartic.

The problems begin when an organization starts embedding this family mentality explicitly in its culture.

A company is also like a family when they

attach unfair expectations

to you. After all, many families have fairly unhealthy dynamics, so why should we assume otherwise?

Your work “parents” may not respect your boundaries. They may expect you to prioritize them over your own life. And what if you don’t fit in socially at your office? Do you become the family outcast?

And then, when that happens, companies act shocked when you pursue other opportunities.

Family talk is also proven to

reinforce multiple biases

. Per Psychology professor at NYU, Tessa West, who is the author of

Jerks at Work: Toxic Coworkers and What to Do About Them

, this framework is “slippery and bias-prone, and often harms those who are cut from a different cloth than the typical ‘family’ member.”

It also creates an environment similar to a family dinner table, where people might say and do things they’d never do in the outside world. It creates a problematic permissiveness because of a perceived shared history.

People may explain away an offensive remark, as “Oh that’s just Uncle James being himself.”

This family mentality is also proven to create problematic

gender dynamics

.

Tasks that feel more communal or administrative, are often passed off to female employees just like they are in many homes. This dynamic emerges

quite naturally as us

men hold 4 out of every 5 of the highest ranking corporate positions.

Families are another layer of hierarchy in an already hierarchical culture. And if you are the odd one out in the family (in any small dimension), it can be rather unpleasant—as I learned firsthand.

The Personality Test At Our Department

A special HR consultant came in to do personality tests at my last company, which had a family culture. The test was intended to be a fun exercise in team building. We all took our individual tests, which felt a bit like a Myers-Briggs Personality Test.

One week later, the consultant returned to present the results. As I looked up, there was a giant three dimensional graph on the projector with dots on it and a pair of initials by each dot. These dots appeared like planets in a web around a central point. Wherever your initials landed on this graph, gave you an idea of your personality results. Then I noticed my initials weren’t up there and wondered if I’d done something wrong.

At the end of the HR ladies lecture, I raised my hand and said, “Hi there. I’m Sean Kernan. I noticed my initials aren’t on there?”

The consultant glanced at the chart, then smiled and said, “Oh yes! Your score was

way

off on the outer side of this grid and we couldn’t fit yours into the chart. You are quite the character!” I was basically this distant pluto in their galaxy of personalities.

This led to a chorus of laughs, though I didn’t quite enjoy the humor. I wasn’t entirely surprised at the result, as I always felt like a different than them. But I didn’t like how I’d been singled out in front of everyone as the weird guy.

It exemplified how outsiders can feel like the problem child that mama didn’t want. And here’s the thing: this family culture comes easily. Our desire

for group acceptance

is inbuilt and easily fosters this dynamic. But any dividing line — race, religion, sex, neurodivergence — can be grounds to make you an outsider. You can easily be surrounded by Organizational Mean Girls.

Per Dr. Tessa West,

there might

be similarities between work families and family-families. But there are significant differences. For example, you can often rely on your family members goodwill and intuition to help resolve disputes and go above and beyond when you are in need.

There’s an established history and relationship that carries greater weight.

But in an office, people are more self-serving. Expectations of self-sacrifice and compromise in the name of your relationship are far lower. It also paves the way for people to cross boundaries with you, embracing the work kinship a bit too much.

Yes, having a work family can feel like having a great group of friends in the trenches with you — if you’re one of the favorites and like the majority.

Or you can feel like Pluto: always on the edge of knowing if you are actually “one of them”.

The thing to do

Per social identity theory, we

are inclined to emphasize the benefits

of connections we identify with, and overlook their toxic components. If you are a manager at such a firm, I encourage you to anonymously audit your employees, and get their feedback on your work culture.

A job should have clearly defined responsibilities that you stick to. There should be reasonable expectations and communication. It’s good to be friendly with coworkers. But if you have a “work husband” or “work wife”, it might be going to far.

You don’t want to work in an office where someone’s status feels more like a birthright, than an earned and meritocratic position.

To the potential employees seeing this, steer clear of offices that invite you to join their family. They might be a family, but they’ll still fire and bully you, especially if you aren’t like them.

Thrive by Sean Kernan is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

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